Independence
The reason I bring up the 40 women party is because at one point all the women had to write down on a name tag the one thing we wished for. People had to guess who would wish for what and see how close we could come to knowing each other.
I wished for independence.
Now, you might think that's an odd wish for someone who has two dogs, a house and few other encumberances. The other women at the party did. You should have this obligation, they said. Or this one. Then, you'd see.
But every day there are choices that I feel are out of my reach, obligations that I don't want and didn't ask for that I must fulfill. If I were the person I want to be, I'd be independent. Not separate from people. Just powerful in a way that lets me make decisions independent of my next paycheck, of the people next door, of the clock and the guilt and the things that ought to be done because someone else needs them.
You can say it's a state of mind (though I'd argue that dependence on a paycheck diminishes that idea somewhat), but it's a state I haven't found yet. And it's one I'd like to try.
Comments
I'd wish for peace. Peace for the world, of course, although if that were all, I'd wish for universal compassion or empathy instead, because it would stop a lot of bad things in addition to violent conflict (although it would probably create problems, too....hmm, something to muse on). But mostly peace for myself. Peace from persistent anger over old grievances, peace from cringing over old stupidities, peace from pain over old failures, peace from angsting over the future. Thinking on that, it seems easily achievable to me, by staying in a sort of Buddhist *now*, and refusing to admit the Past and the Future stuff that's obviously pestering me.
I wonder if that's not too different from the independence state of mind you're getting at. It sounds like you're not wishing to be relieved of all obligations (which *would* separate you from other people, since where there are interactions, responsibilities are inevitable), but in a frame of mind in which meeting the obligations becomes truly, wholly a choice. Not the kind of technical/theoretical choice that's really no choice at all, but a real choice, unweighted by fear or guilt over the consequences of making the choice you "can't" make.
Posted by: TM(tm) | October 18, 2002 12:30 PM
Yes to your last paragraph. That's a great deal of what I'm talking about. I used to have a clear picture in my head of what it would mean. And it's still there I imagine, but I don't see it as much any more.
For some reason that I can't figure out, I feel farther from that picture than I did five years ago. And I think if I _could_ figure out why that it would move me back down that path again.
Posted by: debco | October 18, 2002 04:21 PM