Superhero Inauguration Speeches
From McSweeney's
He-Man:
I will cut taxes, balance the budget, and rid the world of Skeletor. Skeletor is evil. Skeletor does not believe in free trade. Perhaps my words are too moralistic, too black and white. But look at him—his face is a skull! He sits on a throne made of bones. This is an evil man, working in evil times.
Lion-O:
Critics of my fledgling administration suggest that my cabinet is lopsided, that it¹s not the coalition I might have mentioned during the campaign, but rather a coterie of Thundercats that I've known my entire life. And I ask you this—why shouldn't I surround myself with the people I know and trust? My advisers will help this nation in its darkest hour, in the War on Mumm-Ra.
Optimus Prime:
Our military is stretched too thin, and we need to increase spending to combat the Decepticon menace. It will be expensive—the liberals and the media complain that $87 billion is too much to construct a fleet of vehicles that transform into fighting robots. But we didn't ratify the Decepticon Proliferation Treaty, and now they're everywhere, threatening our very way of life. And, might I remind you, not a single Decepticon is made in America. The Central Intelligence Agency has suggested that some were built by the French.