Things I Know I Know

...okay, not actually, but it's a cooler title than 'Why I Should Never Have My Picture Taken.'

For my story in SCIFICTION (currently scheduled for February 18th--mark your calendars), I have to provide a picture. I'm sure for many this is a simple thing (I'm sure some people already have pictures of themselves just sitting around), but somewhere cosmic entities are laughing because it's taken me a month and I still don't have a digital picture for sending (though I hope--I'd better!--to have one tomorrow).

It all started with getting my picture taken.

I don't like to get my picture taken; it rarely turns out well, but for a story in SCIFICTION, many things are possible. So I get a friend of mine, who's a good photographer to take a picture of me and Charming Billie. It's a hundred million degrees below zero, but beautiful, outside and we decide to do an outside picture. We find a lovely--and really fairly icy--location and while university workers in pickup trucks drive back and forth behind us, we take pictures.

It is very sunny and--as I will find out later when the pictures are developed--although Billie looks lovely, in most of the pictures I either look like I'm really angry or really frightened. This will turn out to be weirdly prophetic of everything that comes later.

After thawing out, I take the finished roll of film to one-hour photo developing at Wal-Mart to get prints and a CD. After about six hours (during which I have dropped in twice to see if my pictures are done), I have prints, but no CD ('our CD burner is broken'). Since I need a digital copy, this isn't helpful. I go back three times on different days, but still no CD burner. Since the photo department is actually in the electronics department, I am briefly tempted, on my third trip back to tell them that I will fix their CD burner, but I figure they don't get paid enough to take crap from me.

So, I give up for a couple of weeks.

Today, I go back with my negatives to see if they can put them on a CD. The CD burner is finally fixed. YAY. And, 'They'll be done by 1:20 PM.' the guy says. Not pushing my luck, I go back at 7:00 PM and the envelope is sitting on the counter. They don't charge me for the CD, because, you know, there were hassles. I collect the envelope, do my grocery shopping and come home.

At home, I unload groceries, feed the dogs, let the dogs out, let the dogs back in and then sit down at the computer and put in the CD.

They are not my pictures.

They are pictures of 'Baby's First Birthday.' Someone probably wants these pictures and they're probably pissed that they got pictures of some weird frowning woman and her Rottweiler. I am not pissed. I have passed far beyond pissed and I'm fairly certain I can hear actual cosmic laughing. I consider sending Ellen a picture of 'Baby's First Birthday,' complete with birthday cake, but figure she might not appreciate the cosmic irony of it all the way that I do.

I go back to Wal-Mart.

Fortunately, the negatives that came with 'Baby's First Birthday' are still my negatives. I leave the negatives and the 'Baby's First Birthday' CD at the one-hour photo counter (this is either really brave or really foolish of me) and, after they apologize for what is most likely someone else's error, tell them I'll pick up the new CD in the morning.

I can't wait to see whose pictures I'll get then.